So I guess I never exactly followed up on my last post and I had a realization earlier…

This might help explain…

Tonight I was walking with a girl through the quaint little downtown area I recently moved into. It was one of those early summer nights in Michigan that makes you feel like you’re dreaming. Warm night air flowing up your shorts, the indentations in your Birkenstocks forming to your feet almost better than when you last wore them eight months ago, people wandering about downtown enjoying the calm, quiet, peaceful, small town environment. Such a stark difference from mere months earlier trudging through exhaust-fume-ridden snowbanks in my boots that couldn’t keep my toes from going numb, bundled up in four layers of clothes trying to fight the blistering wind on top of negative temperatures. This new setting seems almost surreal. So perfect. And to top it off was this gigantic, gorgeous moon hanging in between two billowing clouds in the rich purple sky. The word “stillness” is an understatement. I was in complete awe.

So naturally Star Wars came up in the conversation. I tried explaining how I feel sometimes when I see the moon and my brain flashes to Luke emerging from his hut on Tatooine and he stares off at the moons hanging in the sky. That strangely inspirational orchestra ensemble hits your ears and you can feel in your chest how Luke feels. Like something is out there for you. Something great. You don’t even know what it is right now and you realize your current situation may not be ideal, but if you keep moving forward and giving this life your absolute best shot, someday your greatness will shine through. Someday you’ll find happiness in a way you can’t even begin to explain at that point in time. You don’t even know what happiness is but you see that moon so far away and you get this total wave of emotions. You get that third person perspective on your insane amount of potential and although your current circumstances aren’t looking too promising, you know nothing can stop you from this future. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but greatness is deep within you and you know it will find it’s way to your life eventually.

As I explained to this girl what I meant, I came upon a slow realization about my own life.

Shortly after writing my last post, approximately 18 months ago, I hit a strange point in my life. I’ll try and sum it up quickly…

A series of unfortunate events led to me withdrawing from a class at school and let’s just say it was strongly suggested I take a year break from my never-ending college career. Now, keep in mind, this was a surprising blow as the previous two years of my academic progress were nothing short of spectacular in comparison with the disaster ridden transcript I had initially began college with. Recovery had done a lot for me, and I got my shit together to a certain extent, but I don’t think I ever truly grasped the spiritual concept which is vital to people like me. So with that being said, this unexpected vacation from school came shortly after I blew my knee out playing some pick-up basketball and having to undergo surgery on a ruptured patellar tendon with no health insurance. To call this last eighteen months a struggle is a serious understatement. Sure, I had a few good times and a couple laughs but when I’d be having fun at the time, in the back of my mind I would subconsciously know that the trajectory of my life was nonexistent. It wasn’t a rise, it wasn’t a fall, it wasn’t a plateau… it was like God, in the middle of drawing the line on the graph of my life, decided to go take a smoke break. I was living in my parents house, recuperating from knee surgery, making no headway with my degree or career, driving a rusted out 2000 Grand Am, busting ass at work trying to advance yet drowning in an endless gauntlet of reports, while barely making enough money to pay off the knee surgery bills, credit cards, student loans, and a hundred other payments I couldn’t afford, all the while pretending that the occasional golf outing, piece of pussy or limited edition vinyl I came across made it all seem alright. I was STUCK. I wanted to make moves yet I was physically and mentally trapped. I think I just had the mentality that I couldn’t get productivity going now anyways so let’s kill some brain cells while I wait.

This REALLY isn’t intended to sound like some self pity type of thing.

Nonetheless,

I stood there tonight in that warm, summer night air, eighteen months later, staring up at that glowing, off-white moon perched above Main Street in that purple sky, and as I described how I felt to my friend, I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I could feel that orchestral ensemble from Tatooine bellowing in my bones. Like when Bill W talks about feeling like he was on a mountaintop and the wind of the spirit was blowing all around his body. I could feel this. I could feel a certain sense of faith in the universe. Things are exactly how they are supposed to be and I am at the jumping off point. I’m about to accomplish tremendous things. Henry Ford / Nikola Tesla / Kanye West type shit. I just have to continue down this path and trust in the universe.

Maybe it’s the fact that I’d moved into my own place and had this new sense of independence. Maybe the girl I was walking with made me feel that less alone in the world. Maybe me recently re-registering for classes had me feeling back on a trajectory. Maybe my recent legal complications were slowly handling themselves or maybe these legal complications had made sure I wasn’t drinking. Maybe it was the vigorous course of action I had recently undergone as part of a 12-step program. I honestly don’t know what it was for certain, but this culmination of events that night filled me with the understanding that a spiritual experience had occurred in me. Nearly five years after striving towards this experience I had read about in a book, I finally had this total psychic change. I was operating under a new way of thinking. I found myself no longer struggling to get by. I could just live life knowing that good things can and will happen and bad things are just to learn from. I no longer have to worry about things. I just trust that I’ll have the strength and aptitude to take care of business and what doesn’t get done simply does not get done. While that may seem apathetic, I think it’s almost the opposite. If I just focus on what’s in front of me and continue to trust that the universe will handle itself, I will then accomplish more because I won’t be spending time and energy on distractions of the past or future. I know big things are out there and I will eventually get to them if it was meant to be. I couldn’t tell you that there exists some conscious being in the sky who can hear everybody’s thoughts and looks out for us, but I couldn’t tell you it doesn’t exist, and this lifestyle based on a lack of self and reliance upon something greater than me has me very optimistic about my future.